theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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