If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
