I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
