I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
