i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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