In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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