: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
