They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
