bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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