i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
