did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
