I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
