I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
