I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
