No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
is that a dick in a sweater?
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