If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
