Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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