Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
