I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
