i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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