So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just want nice things and good sex
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
