Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The air was thick with penises
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
