fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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