tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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