also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
