my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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