Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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