How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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