your parents love me but you hate me
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
