i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
