I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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