Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
