if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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