1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I believe in your delicious
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
