Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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