Betty ford says i'm here all night
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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