I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
