Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
