remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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