Got a toothbrush?
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
