how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Randomize
