I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
