Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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