Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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