So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
