Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
