If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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