i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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