I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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