The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
